Q: My husband says I am beautiful without any makeup, and he does not want me to set the example to our daughter that she needs makeup to be beautiful. How do I respond to this?
A: Give your husband a big fat kiss! But there are some occasions where wearing a little make-up is better than not wearing any. The best rule about wearing makeup is to try to make it invisible. Also, make sure your make-up is not offensive to others. This may vary by culture. Sometimes wearing make-up is a sign of being formally dressed. Your daughters may need to know how to wear it someday. But help them to learn to prefer their father’s preferences above the demands of their culture.
Q: I am a mother of five little boys. As a mother or five boys, yourself, do you have any suggestion on helping a little boy to improve his aim? I’m having a lot of trouble keeping the bathroom floor in a decent state. Should I just consider it a sanctification tool and get over it, or should I set them to work on the floor themselves?
A: I suggest throwing a piece of toilet paper in the toilet and telling them to aim. Let them mop floor and take responsibility for their mistakes.
Q: Mrs. Botkin, you mentioned in one of the previous sessions about purity rings. What is your stand on that and can you tell me the pros and cons of purity rings?
A: I don’t take a stand on this since the Bible doesn’t. One thing concerns me: the wife making her husband take a certain stand on this issue. If your husband wants to, fine. If a father thinks all he has to do to protect his daughter’s purity is to have a little ceremony and give her a ring, as a kind of talisman to protect her from her impure environment…this is a big problem. His responsibility for her goes much farther than this little ritual. The end result can be tragic. An outward custom won’t impart righteousness. We come to rely on our rituals, and they become a substitute for really, truly shepherding a daughter’s heart and emotions. It won’t impart real righteousness but becomes a replacement for it.
Pro 7:13-15 “(the harlot) seizes him and kisses him, and with bold face she says to him, "I had to offer sacrifices, and today I have paid my vows; so now I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.” The woman in these verses was religious! She just did her religious thing…and then went out to seduce a man. What we need to be imparting to our children is a purity that comes…through fear of the Lord…and a genuine desire to be consecrated and set apart for Him. Teach them to be proactive in setting themselves apart. And you be watchful of their companions, music, internet environment…it’s the parent’s job.
Q: Living in a major city of this nation, I am surrounded by Christian, Bible-believing ladies, some even homeschooling, who have embraced the world's system of dress so comprehensively that words like modesty and purity need to be redefined in a more lucid/definitive fashion to draw us back to what truly pleases our Lord and what is abhorrent to Him. With that in mind would you care to elaborate on a specific aspect of women’s' dressing, especially neck-lines, tight trousers and skirt-lengths, to clarify what it really looks like to be dressed modestly?
A: Remember from last week the two main biblical directives to us with regard to our clothing involve: 1. distinctiveness….being distinct from men, and 2. modesty, both in regard to covering nakedness and dressing appropriately.
Gen 3 shows God’s view vs. man’s for covering nakedness. Gen 3:7 “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” The Hebrew for “loincloths” means a garment tied around the waist. This is what Adam and Eve decided. But in Gen 3:21, we see God’s design for covering: “And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.” The Hebrew here means to cover or coat, roughly neck to knee. What’s the spirit of what He’s saying? How do people see us.
Men have a much higher level of sensitivity to women’s anatomy than women do. A tight tee shirt might cause a man to stumble. Do we want to make our brothers in Christ stumble? Job 31:1—“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” Job made a covenant with his eyes because he acknowledged this was a problem for him. We women may not be conscious of how female anatomy attracts male attention. But it does, so let me tell you!
Men are responsible, before the Lord, to do what is right, always…but it is not loving for us to dress in a way that is provocative. The body parts we most need to conceal are those parts which are most different from male anatomy. Our goal is to conceal or cover like God said. I’m not saying you have to wear baggy clothing. The female silhouette, which distinguishes a woman from a man, is not a bad thing…God does want us to be distinguishable from men. We need a balance: not ‘totally concealed’ yet not ‘totally accentuated’, as in baggy shapelessness vs. painted-on clothing. We should be distinguishable from men.
We should look at men as our brothers in Christ, not just potential marriage partners. Be considerate of men. Don’t take advantage of them by provoking them or distracting them simply because you have the power to do so with your body.
Rom 14:19-22 “Rom 14:19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.” Add what you wear to these verses.
Encourage your brothers in the faith; don’t undermine their faith. 1Ti 5:1-2 “… encourage [an older man]… as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” Let’s extrapolate from these verses and see all men as our brothers. So, how do you dress around your biological brothers? Provocatively? Of course not! As your biological brother is off limits romantically, so is your Christian brother, also.
We need to be aware of the weaknesses of our brothers in the Lord…and do what we can to help them there. The great King David, a man after God’s own heart, was attracted to an uncovered woman and stumbled. The great King Solomon was attracted to many women…who then led him astray. Both of these great men stumbled, so think of what it must be like for your Christian brother. So please, ladies, dress modestly…make sure your anatomical features which are most distinctively female…are covered. Think: Are you dressed appropriately…or to make your brother stumble? Destroy not him…for whom Christ died… (Rom 14:15)
Some good resources are: www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com on Femininity & Modesty and for the book, Modesty and the Christian Woman by Jennie Chancey, and Vision Forum for the book, Christian Modesty and the Public Undressing of America, by Jeff Pollard.
Q: Do you talk to men? At the supper table, do you talk? Or do you just sit and listen? Do you stay in the kitchen?
A: Yes. Of course! I talk to my biological brothers and also to my brothers in the Lord. Some basic Scriptural guidelines are, well, Jesus talked to women, as did Paul. It would be very strange if we as brothers and sisters didn’t talk to each other. For example, we entertain a lot in our home, so I often have to visit with male guests who come to visit my husband Geoff when he is not available to talk with them right away at home. Just don’t be the one directing the conversation.
If you’re a talker, be careful you don’t take the conversation and run with it and talk circles around your husband if he’s the quieter one. Some men have to struggle to form their ideas into words…but for us women, it’s more often a struggle to keep quiet! And women should learn to keep quiet! Look at these verses. Prov 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Prov 21:23 “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” If your husband’s not a talker, you will hinder his wanting to talk by filling up the space with your constant conversation…
Q: My husband and I have 3 children and only in the last 5 years or so have come around to letting the Lord plan the size of our family. With 3 children we are already thought of as a 'large' family within our extended family. We had a daughter in 2007 who didn't have functioning kidneys. We were told she would die after birth, which she did. We were crushed. But we saw God's sovereignty in a new way and trusted Him in all things. We believed it was His plan. We continued trusting Him with our future children. We prayed as a family for another baby. He answered by sending us Samuel. Samuel had Trisomy 13 and was stillborn this last October. This was very hard…My husband is 39, I am 42. The world says we’re too old to have more. But if my body still is showing signs of fertility… We want more kids, but if we have another baby with a birth defect… What should we do?
A: God is sovereign over all, and has supreme control over every detail of our lives. Your faith and obedience is important here. Like Esther said, “If I perish, I perish.” She was content to let God control whether she lived or died. Job 13:15—“Though He slay me, I will hope in Him…” It is clear that you have submitted your womb, your life, and your future children to the Lord’s supreme control. You are an example of faith.
Q: If my husband, the children, and I are all together and the children are disobeying, do I have the authority to correct my children if my husband ignores their disobedience? Or should I encourage him to correct them?
A: He should be correcting them. However, most husbands aren’t as tuned into the kids as their moms are. He can delegate the correction to you. If he’s ignoring Scripture’s command, you should discipline. Don’t scold or chide your husband, or be bitter. Calmly correct like the children like you should. Just do what is right before the Lord, yourself, and let the Lord work on your
husband. It’s not your job to correct him.
Q: Did you plan at the beginning of the "year" what topics/goals you wished to cover with your children?
A: Home school for us was year-round…It’s public school baggage that you have to ‘start’ in September. I think it’s really important to try to communicate to older children that this is THEIR education…it’s not something we are trying to do TO them…it’s something we are trying to help them do…so that they can be prepared for their future. We are helping them with their weaknesses and strengths. Help facilitate learning what they want to learn as they get older, like buying materials for them, taking them to the library... I would ‘plan’, but…I must admit, our school year usually didn’t end up the way I planned… Flexibility is important for you, and also something the kids need to learn.
Q: Since you have raised five boys, would you comment on how a home schooling mother can help her son move through puberty and into manhood? I realize he cannot remain "Mommy's little boy", but I do not know, practically, what goals I should have or benchmarks he should pass. There is more written about the father/son relationship, I think, than about a mother's "letting go".
A: One weakness inherent in the home school movement of today is that as some boys grow up at home with mommy, they never really have manhood modeled for them. Girls seem to turn out OK, but boys…when Dad’s away all day… maybe you could start a family business. If Dad can’t be a role model, some other godly male role models must be provided. Parents don’t have to be the exclusive mentor; it’s just that we want wise companions. Prov 13:20 ”Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Don’t have one? Then pray. God is our deliverer. He receives glory by our deliverance. James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
You know, some questions I just can’t answer, so my only advice is: Pray. We are so used to instant gratification, having things right now, no waiting. Do we have enough patience and perseverance to pray until we see our prayer answered? George Washington was known for praying 2 hours each day…but then his circumstances got much harder. He realized he didn’t have time for 2 hours of prayer because of all he was going through, so he extended it to 3!
If you don’t have, then ask in that ‘hopeless situation.’ Pray fervently, hopefully, long. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
Regarding the need to ‘let go’... Face it, little boys are lovable. She didn’t want her sons to grow apart from her and closer to father. She forgot her fear of this. She was worried that as her sons grew up, they would outgrow her…She is still close—not in a mommy/little boy way but as adults. My grown sons seem to enjoy taking care of me now…and I love it! We are closer than ever! Yes it’s different. Prov 4:18 “But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” I’m seeing my relationships with my kids growing brighter and brighter!
Q: I have a 12 year old daughter who seems to be having a difficult time with the use of the English language. It is not that she is lazy. Hard work is not something of which she is afraid, as long as it is physical. Intellectual hard work is another matter. She frequently can't remember the word she needs to communicate what she wants to say…She tests well in standardized tests but then seems to forget half of what she has learned. Her elder sister is quite fluent in language and while I know each child is different, I wonder what I am doing wrong.
A: Stop worrying, as each child is different with different strengths and weaknesses. One of her sons was horrible to do school with, wouldn’t pay attention and sit still. Another noticed everything. I knew that if my “problem” sons were in public school their teachers would label them hyperactive, and label them with Attention Deficit Disorder…and put them on Ritalin… in a heartbeat! They didn’t have a disorder at all…they had a gift! A gift from the Lord! In a different time and place, they would have been perfectly normal, like in Bible days watching the sheep or Pioneer times… Other of her kids would have been terrible watchmen…so instead, did they have a ‘disorder?’
It’s really just outrageous that some of our children, whom God has gifted with skills and talents that He wanted to bless them with and which please Him, are considered by schoolteachers to have a disorder. It is a terrible national tragedy that so many boys and girls are having their lives ruined…by being drugged with Ritalin for years and years…and by being labeled as having a disorder…and it’s all really just for the convenience of the teachers. It’s for classroom management! Sitting 6 hours still a day is NOT normal.
Your daughter is young, it may be that she’s a late bloomer. Or maybe she’s not meant to be bookish. Encourage her to read things she’s interested in. Be sensitive to her. Adolescence changes a lot of things with kids. Let her know you are for her and are with her.
Q: We bought your CDs a little while back & have listened several times. God is drawing us to make some changes in how we educate our children. I'm tired of trying to do all the curriculum & tired of feeling guilty because I never complete all of the curriculum! As we have let the curriculum go for history & science & moved towards reading aloud & nature studies, we are loving it! It feels different because we didn't learn this way but, actually, we didn't learn the public school way either! I do have this question for you: did you schedule your day? Specifically, did you do the math early in the day &
what did you do with your young ones while you worked with the children needing help? Did you read & write while the littles napped?
A: I have 2 CD’s available with favorite tips… Curriculum Advice Volumes 1 and 2, available at www.WesternConservatory.com
Our schedule changed all the time…depending on the ages of the toddlers…and the level of independence of the school-aged ones. She likes to start with math. As soon as the child is old enough, she lets them grade their own work and re-do the mistakes right away. Waiting until tomorrow to fix them…then the kids lose interest. I wasn’t much of a schedule-type. With my husband working at home, it usually didn’t work for me to be too tied to my own schedule. Warning: It won’t be easy if your husband’s home and you’re used to having your own schedule--it can be frustrating when you have your school day planned out, but your husband wants to do otherwise with the kids.
Q: I loved your talking about teaching your children. I have your curriculum series, and you just have a way of making it sound so fun! But I had a question. I've only been pregnant twice so far, but that 2nd time I was wiped out. I could barely keep my eyes open. How did you go with the flow of what your children were interested in while you were pregnant? I'm a little afraid that if I have to do a lot of lesson planning and book gathering, I might not do it during those times. I don't want them to suffer. I've heard some say textbooks are nice for this time, because you can just hand it to them, but, outside of liking that idea, it sounds boring. So…how did you effectively teach and plan when you were pregnant or had a newborn?
A: My best advice is to do school every day that you can, all year round…and don’t worry about the days when you can’t. Summer is actually a good time to ‘do school’ since it’s usually too hot to go outside! Teach your kids to like to do things to educate themselves. If you have to, do it, but I don’t make lesson plans ahead of time but only after you did something so you just record what was actually done. I kept a journal of our schoolwork. I had each child keep a list of all the books read.
Q: How did you teach your children to teach themselves?
A: We keep lots of educational books and games around—don’t let them sit around and watch TV all day… Briefly—don’t do too much of your child’s schooling for him. Teach him to learn to love learning and reading. Get them interested in learning about things, by showing your interest in things. Avoid, or strictly limit, passive entertainment. Children, and adults, quickly become dependent on passive entertainment. Stock your house with interesting things to do—have art supplies, legos, video maker, tools, rather than play passively things—turn them loose to do things. Let them teach you out of your ‘classroom’! Don’t just feed them facts to memorize. As they get older and develop their own interests, we parents function more as facilitators than as teachers. Pursue real education using the Deut 6 model.
Q: I am a single 24 year old woman living at home with my father. My father is also the pastor of our church. Our church is very involved and infiltrated by the modern day youth culture, our church participates in all the denomination’s youth conventions, camps, etc. We have our own youth group and teen center. I am expected to participate and help in all these events and chaperone, to teach children’s church… I do all these things to help my father, but I must admit that it breaks my heart…
A: Serve your father…and pray desperately for a husband to help with the situation. Challenge the kids to think Biblically. Pray for the culture of the church around the world. Pray to be the wife of a reformer.
Q: My mother wants to move into our home this summer and she likes to watch TV. We do not watch TV in our home. How is this viewed in the Bible? Should we allow TV viewing in her room only or not at all? How do you handle a situation like this?
A: We are to honor parents by caring for them when they are older. But the jurisdiction of your home is governed by your husband, even if your parents are there. If husband says no TV…well, someone discipled by American TV is not a good influence on your home. You have no obligation to indulge her preference if she has to have her TV. Some parents would actually prefer living in a pagan institution to a Christian home. If Grandma comes, gently and lovingly enforce your husband’s decision.
Q: We have been watching our married son’s 2 year old daughter 5 days a week since she was 3 months old. We also home school our 9 and 14 year old boys, which has turned into a 3 hour school day while the baby naps. They are expecting their second baby in April. We were asked to watch both babies 3 days a week. The other grandma would help watch the baby on the other days. But I am struggling with both homeschooling and watching the babies. Where do you draw line? My son’s home is not a Christian home, but I want to be a godly influence on these children while I can.
A: If you were helping your older son so that he could get out of debt and get back on his feet again; creating a Christian home where his wife could stay home and raise the children, I would say, help him. But you didn’t say your son has any intention of changing his life. Your influence on those babies is minimal now, especially if he plans to just send them on to public school as soon as possible. Your real problem isn’t that you are too busy homeschooling your 9 and 14 year olds. The real point is, will your investment into your grandchildren really bear any fruit? Are you actually influencing your son and his wife for good or are they just using you for free babysitting? Your first priority is to your younger sons. Debt compromises the foundation of a Christian home. Debt is a kind of slavery…To keep from losing your house, and all the money you have invested in it, you may be tempted to delegate the raising of children to strangers, like at daycare, so both husband and wife can work… When you are in debt you no longer have the flexibility to make decisions based on what you know is right…you are over a barrel.
Short Session tonight: Let’s talk some more about words.
Prov 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” There is a potential of problems with internet. 1 Tim 5:13-14 “They learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” This is an interesting thing about the internet—it enables one to go house to house without leaving the house! It’s perfectly natural and right to let people know about blessings of God, like talking on Facebook. (Victoria doesn’t have a FB account.) Relationships are very important to us…we are nurturing and motherly by nature…and sympathetic…and curious…and restless…and that’s a dangerous combination, if we have too much free time and no accountability to anyone.
What’s gossip: friendly chitchat or something else? Look at those verses in Timothy again: Paul calls gossips busybodies who say what they shouldn’t.
Prov 18:7-8 “A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.” Delicious words are, well, hard to resist.
2 Cor 12:20 “For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.” Look at gossip’s companions in this verse.
Rom1:28-31 “And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.” Gossip is what haters of God do…
Talking about and with friends in a loving way like on Facebook is OK, but be careful not to neglect your house and children… Gossip is not this friendly, chatty stuff, but the Bible links slander to it. Ps 15:1-3 “O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart; who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend.” Gossip is doing evil to a neighbor.
Mt 15:18-20 “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.” Slander is associated with murder plus other evil acts!
Eph 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Col 3:8 “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Slander is forbidden by God.
What should you do about it? It is a very serious thing to slander someone. Deut 19:16-19 “If a malicious witness arises to accuse a person of wrongdoing, then both parties to the dispute shall appear before the LORD, before the priests and the judges who are in office in those days. The judges shall inquire diligently, and if the witness is a false witness and has accused his brother falsely, then you shall do to him as he had meant to do to his brother. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.” Slander is the malicious bringing of an accusation of wrongdoing against someone. The truth must be established—false witnesses must be punished. What we DO NOT see in this verse, is the accusation being passed along to everyone…the way it often happens today, on the internet. The internet can make you anonymous in accusing... 1 Tim 5:19 “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.” There must be physical witnesses who saw or heard the thing.
As with any slander, remember these verses: Prov 11:13 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Keep slander concealed. Prov 20:19 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a gossip. (literally, “one who opens his lips.”) Don’t associate with a malicious gossip—person, blogs, or website. Prov 17:14 “An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.” Even listening to slander is evil. If you have no reason to suspect a person of wrongdoing, don’t. Remember, we should consider people to be innocent until they can be shown to be guilty: love believes the best. The internet is harming a lot of Christians in this way: Prov 17:4 (“An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.”)
1 Peter 3:10 “For Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.”
Our first concern is that, for all your attempts to help your father, your focus appears to be more on yourself – what will stimulate you, what will challenge you, what will teach you new skills, what will use your gifts — rather than on what will fulfill his dreams and use his gifts. The latter is what being a helper is all about. It sounds, though, almost like you want him to be your helper in a sense — someone who will give you encouragement and a feeling of accomplishment and help you meet your goals by providing you the work you want to do. There are a lot of daughters out there that desperately want to help their fathers …but only on the condition that they provide for them the kind of work that they wanted to do anyway. This is why so many daughters are frustrated with their fathers. It’s not that their fathers don’t have ideas for things to do; it’s that the daughters aren’t satisfied with those things. What is really your goal here? Your success or your father’s? And are you planning to change your focus when you get married?
I am so delighted to be able to spend this time with you over the internet in all our respective homes.
Prayer
Father in heaven we come in humility asking that you teach and be with us. I ask that you comfort these men that you are their leader. We ask that you use the most ignorant, corrupted men, like Mr. Botkin here, to learn and raise us up.
We want to talk about the reformation of a broken civilization. Men need to learn how to think like free men.
A 1626 German farmer decided to build a home on the foundations of his grandfather’s house. Digging around the stone foundation, he discovered a secret compartment. Down deep he found a treasure: a book wrapped in waxed paper, perfectly preserved. He knew the book’s story. By edict of emperor Rudolphus, anyone owning a copy of Cololquia Mensalia would be executed. It is estimated that storm troopers burned 80,000 copies of this popular book and it was forgotten. The farmer sent it to an English captain, asked that it be published ‘for the glory of God.’ The captain did not have time before he was arrested and sent to the
The book was this: Young men wanted to know how Luther’s mind worked and how it was that Luther could think and then act as other men could not. Luther was creative, decisive and Biblical in how he thought. Young men spent time at Luther’s dinner table recording nearly every word as Luther gave simple opinions on astrology, lawyers, universities the the Pope, the bureaucracy, ghosts, bad theology, religious ceremony, hypocrisy, superstition, astrology, literature, marriage… It was Luther’s Q &A.
The disciplines of informed thought in action are necessary to the reformation of a broken world.
Luther had a lot of opinions. What intrigued young men was that Luther started his thoughts with scripture.
I want to thank you for your questions. You are thinking biblically. We do not have a pope breathing down our necks, but today we are captive to wrong thinking in a corrupt
We want to be like reformers by teaching other men how to think.
Courtship is a good topic of study because it embraces parenthood, the
I can only give you principles of what the Bible says. Marriage is in Bible; courtship is not. Fathers need wisdom, discretion. I will dive into other topics.
Q: How have you worked within your own church to spread the vision of Biblical Christian courtship and marriage? We have a great church which has a reasonable handle on Christian marriage but is not self-consciously engaged with true dominion thinking in this area.
A: Most common concern I get is: ‘Mr. B, the church is hurting our family.’ I will not be giving you formulas.
You may be an accomplice in, as John Calvin said, ‘an illegal assembly.’ You need to be in churches where you have respect as men. This does not mean you need to be officers in church, but where the men are shepherding and leading, not going along blindly. You have a duty and obligation, in submission to elders, to exercise your gifts, talents and abilities.
You have a duty in the culture of your home. I try to be in churches where I can encourage, “Lets help young people to have purposeful relationships and kingdom conversation.” Otherwise, we are led by Christian radio. How can we create cultures in our churches where old people are valued, babies are valued?
We need mature behavior, not giddy about who is courting who. We need healthy brother sister interaction going on all the time. End man centered marriage. Old women say to little ones, ‘do you have a girlfriend?’ Stop these silly comments. I also discourage snickering; I encourage healthy conversation about men and work. Marriage is to serve God together.
We need to build a culture of healthy conversations between brothers and sisters in Christ, so that they are gaining knowledge about one another in healthy family environments, where young people can know a lot about one another without being in a romantic relationship.
Q: What are the phases of courtship? Friendship > Fellowship > Romance > Marriage
A: Here is a disclaimer. This is NOT formulaic. This question came in during the last session, right after I said I could give no formula. No situation, courtship will ever be ideal. We have a corrupt dating culture that is in all our minds. We are trying to create a culture of marriage, not a culture of courtship. Here are principles that I find helpful:
1 Parents train children for responsible marriage from a young age, from what ever age they are. Start at age 2, 3, 4.
2 Children take responsibility at a young age to prepare themselves for marriage. Take the responsibility to be mature, to grow to be a decisive Christian husband or wife.
3 Fathers learn about their sons and daughters minds and preferences. A father will not give good advice if he does not know their mind and preference. Spend time with your children, learning about them. Know her heart.
4 Sons make aggressive plans to start their own dynasties. Think about marriage as something important and good from a young age. One father told me he talks to his sons about how to build their house. He said, ‘I’d love them to go into marriage with at least $1,000 of passive income per month from investments they made while young.’ As a result, his sons are thinking at age 9, 10, 11 years how to invest wisely. He is helping his sons envision plans, praying about their future wife, thinking about talents and gifts.
5 Sons should never presume that the system is so broken they cannot have an intelligent and productive relationship with the fathers of eligible girls. In churches with a culture of snickering, he can’t hold door open for her without getting the wrong attention. Sons need to start friendships with men. You need to be walking with wise men. Stand with men who are talking about big issues of the community. Men observe how you solve problems.
6 The older men set a culture of friendly family interaction and lots of FRIENDLY brotherly and sisterly conversations between young people as a healthy culture distinctive of Christian civilization.
7 Sons take initiative with fathers. I know fathers who make recommendations. I don’t do that. I like it when they come to me and ask, ‘I’m limited in knowledge, can you advise me? What books can I read? Your daughter impresses me. I don’t know much about her, I think she will make someone a wonderful wife. Can I have some time to get to know her better?’ Not ‘I’ve been getting visions from God that she is to be my wife.’ What if fathers are not reasonable? Appeal to him. Talk to others. Young men, take initiative. Don’t assume fathers will be so foolish to jump to the instant romance conclusion.
8 Fathers evaluate potential candidates for courtship. ‘Sir would you consider me as a candidate for courtship? Young men need to be asking this. Fathers need to be honoring a young man’s time. ‘I will pray and talk about this, let me get back to you tomorrow.’ Is this man suitable for my daughter? Be decisive, evaluate, honoring time. ‘You have great taste in young women. I don’t think it would work; you are like this and she is like this so different.’ Another answer, ‘You have great taste, but you are probably a couple years away from marriage because of these character deficiencies, would you consider letting me help you prepare?’
Q: A young man approached me. My daughter was not interested. Can I mentor a young man my daughter will not marry? Yes. Voddie says we are going to have to create these young men by discipling them. This is a great opportunity. I told one young man, “I commend you for honoring this jurisdiction. I don’t think it would work. I invite you to hang out here at our home. You are a friend of the family. We can have a brother and sister relationship. Come over to spend time with me and the family, drop in for dinner. It was not awkward. It really helped him. Yes, fathers can be doing that and help prepare him for marriage to another girl. It was not long before he came to get advice about marriage to another young lady. I so respected this young man for the way he conducted himself. I loved to see him growing in his trust, asking advice of me. He learned wonderful things that have helped him.
9 Fathers determine the daughter’s interest. Some families think differently. This is not a hard and fast formula for marriage. You can think differently. Some fathers do not mention things to her. I have talked to my daughters and they can keep a cool head. I spend time with my girls about these interests. Talk about men we know. Have you notice how this one is rising up and leading? What do you think about him? Then I know what they esteem and respect in men they know. So I have a pretty good idea of what my girls think. When one comes, I say, ‘I respect you, I’d be happy to have you as my son-in-law. Let me go to my daughter; I want to check with her, pray about this, I’ll let you know what we think tomorrow.’
Or ‘My daughter does not know you very well. It’s going to be a real long shot, a few months for me to get to know you well. Do you want to invest this time? I’m giving you the most honest answer I can.’ The young man can make decision and maybe pray about a different young lady. Honor a young man’s time and your daughter’s preferences.
10 Fathers can create an informal ‘family friendship’ or ‘correspondence’ season to help the parties involved. You don’t need a courtship; it is not in the Bible. ‘We live 6 states away. Let’s have an informal season. You can e-mail my daughter; copy me on e-mails. Get to know each other. See how it goes. If either of you see that you want to close things off, we can stop it then.
11 Fathers approve/clear/endorse the young man for marriage before any official courtship begins. This may take 6 hours or 6 months or 16 months. He needs to be comfortable with the young man marrying his daughter. A successful courtship is not necessarily marriage. Once courtship begins, there are emotions, risks. There are places on the internet where you can get 100 questions for a young man. Some ask him to write a paper on what is important to you, like the significance of 5 Solas. A young man will do this to help a father sign him off if he thinks your daughter is worth fighting for. He’ll say, “Ask me anything about my past…”
12 If it is wise to proceed; fathers set guidelines. “I know you are honorable. Here are guidelines for courtship to proceed.” Here are principles but young adults need guidelines. This is not a time to steal each others’ hearts; this is an honest dispassionate evaluation. You are working a reasonable conclusion soon.
13 Courtship begins.
14 Fathers shepherd the process and help the parties maintain objectivity. They are going to lose some objectivity. You don’t want your daughter to come to you later and say, ‘Daddy, why didn’t you didn’t protect me better? I don’t even know if he is really a Christian.’ This is happening. It is a tragedy.
If they are losing objectivity, you can say ‘let’s take a little breather, till feet you get back on the ground. If young man and your daughter are honorable they will accept this.
15 The couple maintains objectivity and emotional purity and stewards time and investment of all parties. Ask questions. Your daughter needs to ask these questions. She will give form to his life. What do you think abut birthdays? Sports? Vaccinations? TV in the home? Food? Diet?
16 The couple comes to a decision as soon as possible about compatibility, and the wisdom of marriage to one another.
17 The couple gets council.
18 They decide it is God’s will for them to be joined in a holy mission for Christ.
19 Engagement and covenant terms are defined and discussed. What is betrothal? Now is the time to express affection and love.
20 Short engagement/betrothal commences. Most reformers agreed: make it short. What about the big production? You might want to pass on the helicopter, the limo, the camera crew, the blimp and get on with the mission.
21 Have a public marriage with witnesses, covenant and consummation.
Q: How long should a courtship last? Is there such a thing as lasting too long? If a young man is in college, is a protected courtship of say 2-3 years ok?
A: I can see where there might be a reason. But if you determine in a courtship that you should be together, shouldn’t she join his endeavor and be there to help him? Why is she interested in a guy in college, anyway? Mainly, with very few exceptions, college is a place for losers to get a document to be a wage slave. Most don’t know how to teach themselves. If he does have vision, and knows his vision, she might need to be with him.
Q: I am aware where a potential father-in-law makes unreasonable demands.
A: If young lady is worth fighting for, go to her dad, not around him. Appeal to him. If her dad says, ‘Can you come stay with us for two weeks, so we can get to know you better.’ If she is worth it, do that. Courtship often starts with no idea of what guidelines are. Ask him, “I’d like to have your blessing to marry your daughter. I’d like to be sure you are satisfied with me as a future son-in-law. Because once this starts, I want to know you are completely comfortable with me before that.”
Q: I have a stay-at-home vocation that I think will be good for a family. However, it is not economically viable yet. Should I wait to marry until it is viable or should I find something else outside of the home that is more viable? I am 30-years-old, but different advisors have told me that it is better to get married sooner than later.
A: What is financially viable? The world says it is so expensive. Maybe this business is not economically viable because you do not have a wife to help you.
Q: I have a daughter in her late 20’s who is finishing her degree at home, desiring to be married. We have found it difficult to find like minded people in our area. Do you have suggestions?
A: Patrick Henry had 17 children, including lots of daughters. He moved to the city where they were able to marry. Pieces of real estate pale in comparison to starting a godly dynasty. You may need to move out of the country to do this. The Botkin family did this. Help your sons and daughters find godly mates. [or travel there]
Q: Are birthdays in the Bible and do we make them special in our children’s lives?
A: The reformers asked these questions. Do we sit down for dinner? Do we gobble up food before we sit down? The word ‘Gospel’ means ‘birth announcement of the divine savior king.’ It was also used to describe Caesar’s decrees and laws edicts. The scripture tells of feast days on days of weaning and circumcision. You can make a godly big deal out of a birthday. “One thing, on birthdays, make sure your children really honor their mother. This was the day of great risk and sacrifice for [her].
Q: Can a father disciple a young man who is still under his father’s roof?
