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Q: My husband says I am beautiful without any makeup, and he does not want me to set the example to our daughter that she needs makeup to be beautiful. How do I respond to this?
A: Give your husband a big fat kiss! But there are some occasions where wearing a little make-up is better than not wearing any. The best rule about wearing makeup is to try to make it invisible. Also, make sure your make-up is not offensive to others. This may vary by culture. Sometimes wearing make-up is a sign of being formally dressed. Your daughters may need to know how to wear it someday. But help them to learn to prefer their father’s preferences above the demands of their culture.
Q: I am a mother of five little boys. As a mother or five boys, yourself, do you have any suggestion on helping a little boy to improve his aim? I’m having a lot of trouble keeping the bathroom floor in a decent state. Should I just consider it a sanctification tool and get over it, or should I set them to work on the floor themselves?
A: I suggest throwing a piece of toilet paper in the toilet and telling them to aim. Let them mop floor and take responsibility for their mistakes.
Q: Mrs. Botkin, you mentioned in one of the previous sessions about purity rings. What is your stand on that and can you tell me the pros and cons of purity rings?
A: I don’t take a stand on this since the Bible doesn’t. One thing concerns me: the wife making her husband take a certain stand on this issue. If your husband wants to, fine. If a father thinks all he has to do to protect his daughter’s purity is to have a little ceremony and give her a ring, as a kind of talisman to protect her from her impure environment…this is a big problem. His responsibility for her goes much farther than this little ritual. The end result can be tragic. An outward custom won’t impart righteousness. We come to rely on our rituals, and they become a substitute for really, truly shepherding a daughter’s heart and emotions. It won’t impart real righteousness but becomes a replacement for it.
Pro 7:13-15 “(the harlot) seizes him and kisses him, and with bold face she says to him, "I had to offer sacrifices, and today I have paid my vows; so now I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.” The woman in these verses was religious! She just did her religious thing…and then went out to seduce a man. What we need to be imparting to our children is a purity that comes…through fear of the Lord…and a genuine desire to be consecrated and set apart for Him. Teach them to be proactive in setting themselves apart. And you be watchful of their companions, music, internet environment…it’s the parent’s job.
Q: Living in a major city of this nation, I am surrounded by Christian, Bible-believing ladies, some even homeschooling, who have embraced the world's system of dress so comprehensively that words like modesty and purity need to be redefined in a more lucid/definitive fashion to draw us back to what truly pleases our Lord and what is abhorrent to Him. With that in mind would you care to elaborate on a specific aspect of women’s' dressing, especially neck-lines, tight trousers and skirt-lengths, to clarify what it really looks like to be dressed modestly?
A: Remember from last week the two main biblical directives to us with regard to our clothing involve: 1. distinctiveness….being distinct from men, and 2. modesty, both in regard to covering nakedness and dressing appropriately.
Gen 3 shows God’s view vs. man’s for covering nakedness. Gen 3:7 “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” The Hebrew for “loincloths” means a garment tied around the waist. This is what Adam and Eve decided. But in Gen 3:21, we see God’s design for covering: “And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.” The Hebrew here means to cover or coat, roughly neck to knee. What’s the spirit of what He’s saying? How do people see us.
Men have a much higher level of sensitivity to women’s anatomy than women do. A tight tee shirt might cause a man to stumble. Do we want to make our brothers in Christ stumble? Job 31:1—“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” Job made a covenant with his eyes because he acknowledged this was a problem for him. We women may not be conscious of how female anatomy attracts male attention. But it does, so let me tell you!
Men are responsible, before the Lord, to do what is right, always…but it is not loving for us to dress in a way that is provocative. The body parts we most need to conceal are those parts which are most different from male anatomy. Our goal is to conceal or cover like God said. I’m not saying you have to wear baggy clothing. The female silhouette, which distinguishes a woman from a man, is not a bad thing…God does want us to be distinguishable from men. We need a balance: not ‘totally concealed’ yet not ‘totally accentuated’, as in baggy shapelessness vs. painted-on clothing. We should be distinguishable from men.
We should look at men as our brothers in Christ, not just potential marriage partners. Be considerate of men. Don’t take advantage of them by provoking them or distracting them simply because you have the power to do so with your body.
Rom 14:19-22 “Rom 14:19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.” Add what you wear to these verses.
Encourage your brothers in the faith; don’t undermine their faith. 1Ti 5:1-2 “… encourage [an older man]… as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” Let’s extrapolate from these verses and see all men as our brothers. So, how do you dress around your biological brothers? Provocatively? Of course not! As your biological brother is off limits romantically, so is your Christian brother, also.
We need to be aware of the weaknesses of our brothers in the Lord…and do what we can to help them there. The great King David, a man after God’s own heart, was attracted to an uncovered woman and stumbled. The great King Solomon was attracted to many women…who then led him astray. Both of these great men stumbled, so think of what it must be like for your Christian brother. So please, ladies, dress modestly…make sure your anatomical features which are most distinctively female…are covered. Think: Are you dressed appropriately…or to make your brother stumble? Destroy not him…for whom Christ died… (Rom 14:15)
Some good resources are: www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com on Femininity & Modesty and for the book, Modesty and the Christian Woman by Jennie Chancey, and Vision Forum for the book, Christian Modesty and the Public Undressing of America, by Jeff Pollard.
Q: Do you talk to men? At the supper table, do you talk? Or do you just sit and listen? Do you stay in the kitchen?
A: Yes. Of course! I talk to my biological brothers and also to my brothers in the Lord. Some basic Scriptural guidelines are, well, Jesus talked to women, as did Paul. It would be very strange if we as brothers and sisters didn’t talk to each other. For example, we entertain a lot in our home, so I often have to visit with male guests who come to visit my husband Geoff when he is not available to talk with them right away at home. Just don’t be the one directing the conversation.
If you’re a talker, be careful you don’t take the conversation and run with it and talk circles around your husband if he’s the quieter one. Some men have to struggle to form their ideas into words…but for us women, it’s more often a struggle to keep quiet! And women should learn to keep quiet! Look at these verses. Prov 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Prov 21:23 “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” If your husband’s not a talker, you will hinder his wanting to talk by filling up the space with your constant conversation…
Q: My husband and I have 3 children and only in the last 5 years or so have come around to letting the Lord plan the size of our family. With 3 children we are already thought of as a 'large' family within our extended family. We had a daughter in 2007 who didn't have functioning kidneys. We were told she would die after birth, which she did. We were crushed. But we saw God's sovereignty in a new way and trusted Him in all things. We believed it was His plan. We continued trusting Him with our future children. We prayed as a family for another baby. He answered by sending us Samuel. Samuel had Trisomy 13 and was stillborn this last October. This was very hard…My husband is 39, I am 42. The world says we’re too old to have more. But if my body still is showing signs of fertility… We want more kids, but if we have another baby with a birth defect… What should we do?
A: God is sovereign over all, and has supreme control over every detail of our lives. Your faith and obedience is important here. Like Esther said, “If I perish, I perish.” She was content to let God control whether she lived or died. Job 13:15—“Though He slay me, I will hope in Him…” It is clear that you have submitted your womb, your life, and your future children to the Lord’s supreme control. You are an example of faith.
Q: If my husband, the children, and I are all together and the children are disobeying, do I have the authority to correct my children if my husband ignores their disobedience? Or should I encourage him to correct them?
A: He should be correcting them. However, most husbands aren’t as tuned into the kids as their moms are. He can delegate the correction to you. If he’s ignoring Scripture’s command, you should discipline. Don’t scold or chide your husband, or be bitter. Calmly correct like the children like you should. Just do what is right before the Lord, yourself, and let the Lord work on your
husband. It’s not your job to correct him.
Q: Did you plan at the beginning of the "year" what topics/goals you wished to cover with your children?
A: Home school for us was year-round…It’s public school baggage that you have to ‘start’ in September. I think it’s really important to try to communicate to older children that this is THEIR education…it’s not something we are trying to do TO them…it’s something we are trying to help them do…so that they can be prepared for their future. We are helping them with their weaknesses and strengths. Help facilitate learning what they want to learn as they get older, like buying materials for them, taking them to the library... I would ‘plan’, but…I must admit, our school year usually didn’t end up the way I planned… Flexibility is important for you, and also something the kids need to learn.
Q: Since you have raised five boys, would you comment on how a home schooling mother can help her son move through puberty and into manhood? I realize he cannot remain "Mommy's little boy", but I do not know, practically, what goals I should have or benchmarks he should pass. There is more written about the father/son relationship, I think, than about a mother's "letting go".
A: One weakness inherent in the home school movement of today is that as some boys grow up at home with mommy, they never really have manhood modeled for them. Girls seem to turn out OK, but boys…when Dad’s away all day… maybe you could start a family business. If Dad can’t be a role model, some other godly male role models must be provided. Parents don’t have to be the exclusive mentor; it’s just that we want wise companions. Prov 13:20 ”Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Don’t have one? Then pray. God is our deliverer. He receives glory by our deliverance. James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
You know, some questions I just can’t answer, so my only advice is: Pray. We are so used to instant gratification, having things right now, no waiting. Do we have enough patience and perseverance to pray until we see our prayer answered? George Washington was known for praying 2 hours each day…but then his circumstances got much harder. He realized he didn’t have time for 2 hours of prayer because of all he was going through, so he extended it to 3!
If you don’t have, then ask in that ‘hopeless situation.’ Pray fervently, hopefully, long. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
Regarding the need to ‘let go’... Face it, little boys are lovable. She didn’t want her sons to grow apart from her and closer to father. She forgot her fear of this. She was worried that as her sons grew up, they would outgrow her…She is still close—not in a mommy/little boy way but as adults. My grown sons seem to enjoy taking care of me now…and I love it! We are closer than ever! Yes it’s different. Prov 4:18 “But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” I’m seeing my relationships with my kids growing brighter and brighter!
Q: I have a 12 year old daughter who seems to be having a difficult time with the use of the English language. It is not that she is lazy. Hard work is not something of which she is afraid, as long as it is physical. Intellectual hard work is another matter. She frequently can't remember the word she needs to communicate what she wants to say…She tests well in standardized tests but then seems to forget half of what she has learned. Her elder sister is quite fluent in language and while I know each child is different, I wonder what I am doing wrong.
A: Stop worrying, as each child is different with different strengths and weaknesses. One of her sons was horrible to do school with, wouldn’t pay attention and sit still. Another noticed everything. I knew that if my “problem” sons were in public school their teachers would label them hyperactive, and label them with Attention Deficit Disorder…and put them on Ritalin… in a heartbeat! They didn’t have a disorder at all…they had a gift! A gift from the Lord! In a different time and place, they would have been perfectly normal, like in Bible days watching the sheep or Pioneer times… Other of her kids would have been terrible watchmen…so instead, did they have a ‘disorder?’
It’s really just outrageous that some of our children, whom God has gifted with skills and talents that He wanted to bless them with and which please Him, are considered by schoolteachers to have a disorder. It is a terrible national tragedy that so many boys and girls are having their lives ruined…by being drugged with Ritalin for years and years…and by being labeled as having a disorder…and it’s all really just for the convenience of the teachers. It’s for classroom management! Sitting 6 hours still a day is NOT normal.
Your daughter is young, it may be that she’s a late bloomer. Or maybe she’s not meant to be bookish. Encourage her to read things she’s interested in. Be sensitive to her. Adolescence changes a lot of things with kids. Let her know you are for her and are with her.
Q: We bought your CDs a little while back & have listened several times. God is drawing us to make some changes in how we educate our children. I'm tired of trying to do all the curriculum & tired of feeling guilty because I never complete all of the curriculum! As we have let the curriculum go for history & science & moved towards reading aloud & nature studies, we are loving it! It feels different because we didn't learn this way but, actually, we didn't learn the public school way either! I do have this question for you: did you schedule your day? Specifically, did you do the math early in the day &
what did you do with your young ones while you worked with the children needing help? Did you read & write while the littles napped?
A: I have 2 CD’s available with favorite tips… Curriculum Advice Volumes 1 and 2, available at www.WesternConservatory.com
Our schedule changed all the time…depending on the ages of the toddlers…and the level of independence of the school-aged ones. She likes to start with math. As soon as the child is old enough, she lets them grade their own work and re-do the mistakes right away. Waiting until tomorrow to fix them…then the kids lose interest. I wasn’t much of a schedule-type. With my husband working at home, it usually didn’t work for me to be too tied to my own schedule. Warning: It won’t be easy if your husband’s home and you’re used to having your own schedule--it can be frustrating when you have your school day planned out, but your husband wants to do otherwise with the kids.
Q: I loved your talking about teaching your children. I have your curriculum series, and you just have a way of making it sound so fun! But I had a question. I've only been pregnant twice so far, but that 2nd time I was wiped out. I could barely keep my eyes open. How did you go with the flow of what your children were interested in while you were pregnant? I'm a little afraid that if I have to do a lot of lesson planning and book gathering, I might not do it during those times. I don't want them to suffer. I've heard some say textbooks are nice for this time, because you can just hand it to them, but, outside of liking that idea, it sounds boring. So…how did you effectively teach and plan when you were pregnant or had a newborn?
A: My best advice is to do school every day that you can, all year round…and don’t worry about the days when you can’t. Summer is actually a good time to ‘do school’ since it’s usually too hot to go outside! Teach your kids to like to do things to educate themselves. If you have to, do it, but I don’t make lesson plans ahead of time but only after you did something so you just record what was actually done. I kept a journal of our schoolwork. I had each child keep a list of all the books read.
Q: How did you teach your children to teach themselves?
A: We keep lots of educational books and games around—don’t let them sit around and watch TV all day… Briefly—don’t do too much of your child’s schooling for him. Teach him to learn to love learning and reading. Get them interested in learning about things, by showing your interest in things. Avoid, or strictly limit, passive entertainment. Children, and adults, quickly become dependent on passive entertainment. Stock your house with interesting things to do—have art supplies, legos, video maker, tools, rather than play passively things—turn them loose to do things. Let them teach you out of your ‘classroom’! Don’t just feed them facts to memorize. As they get older and develop their own interests, we parents function more as facilitators than as teachers. Pursue real education using the Deut 6 model.
Q: I am a single 24 year old woman living at home with my father. My father is also the pastor of our church. Our church is very involved and infiltrated by the modern day youth culture, our church participates in all the denomination’s youth conventions, camps, etc. We have our own youth group and teen center. I am expected to participate and help in all these events and chaperone, to teach children’s church… I do all these things to help my father, but I must admit that it breaks my heart…
A: Serve your father…and pray desperately for a husband to help with the situation. Challenge the kids to think Biblically. Pray for the culture of the church around the world. Pray to be the wife of a reformer.
Q: My mother wants to move into our home this summer and she likes to watch TV. We do not watch TV in our home. How is this viewed in the Bible? Should we allow TV viewing in her room only or not at all? How do you handle a situation like this?
A: We are to honor parents by caring for them when they are older. But the jurisdiction of your home is governed by your husband, even if your parents are there. If husband says no TV…well, someone discipled by American TV is not a good influence on your home. You have no obligation to indulge her preference if she has to have her TV. Some parents would actually prefer living in a pagan institution to a Christian home. If Grandma comes, gently and lovingly enforce your husband’s decision.
Q: We have been watching our married son’s 2 year old daughter 5 days a week since she was 3 months old. We also home school our 9 and 14 year old boys, which has turned into a 3 hour school day while the baby naps. They are expecting their second baby in April. We were asked to watch both babies 3 days a week. The other grandma would help watch the baby on the other days. But I am struggling with both homeschooling and watching the babies. Where do you draw line? My son’s home is not a Christian home, but I want to be a godly influence on these children while I can.
A: If you were helping your older son so that he could get out of debt and get back on his feet again; creating a Christian home where his wife could stay home and raise the children, I would say, help him. But you didn’t say your son has any intention of changing his life. Your influence on those babies is minimal now, especially if he plans to just send them on to public school as soon as possible. Your real problem isn’t that you are too busy homeschooling your 9 and 14 year olds. The real point is, will your investment into your grandchildren really bear any fruit? Are you actually influencing your son and his wife for good or are they just using you for free babysitting? Your first priority is to your younger sons. Debt compromises the foundation of a Christian home. Debt is a kind of slavery…To keep from losing your house, and all the money you have invested in it, you may be tempted to delegate the raising of children to strangers, like at daycare, so both husband and wife can work… When you are in debt you no longer have the flexibility to make decisions based on what you know is right…you are over a barrel.
Short Session tonight: Let’s talk some more about words.
Prov 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” There is a potential of problems with internet. 1 Tim 5:13-14 “They learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” This is an interesting thing about the internet—it enables one to go house to house without leaving the house! It’s perfectly natural and right to let people know about blessings of God, like talking on Facebook. (Victoria doesn’t have a FB account.) Relationships are very important to us…we are nurturing and motherly by nature…and sympathetic…and curious…and restless…and that’s a dangerous combination, if we have too much free time and no accountability to anyone.
What’s gossip: friendly chitchat or something else? Look at those verses in Timothy again: Paul calls gossips busybodies who say what they shouldn’t.
Prov 18:7-8 “A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.” Delicious words are, well, hard to resist.
2 Cor 12:20 “For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.” Look at gossip’s companions in this verse.
Rom1:28-31 “And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.” Gossip is what haters of God do…
Talking about and with friends in a loving way like on Facebook is OK, but be careful not to neglect your house and children… Gossip is not this friendly, chatty stuff, but the Bible links slander to it. Ps 15:1-3 “O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart; who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend.” Gossip is doing evil to a neighbor.
Mt 15:18-20 “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.” Slander is associated with murder plus other evil acts!
Eph 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Col 3:8 “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Slander is forbidden by God.
What should you do about it? It is a very serious thing to slander someone. Deut 19:16-19 “If a malicious witness arises to accuse a person of wrongdoing, then both parties to the dispute shall appear before the LORD, before the priests and the judges who are in office in those days. The judges shall inquire diligently, and if the witness is a false witness and has accused his brother falsely, then you shall do to him as he had meant to do to his brother. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.” Slander is the malicious bringing of an accusation of wrongdoing against someone. The truth must be established—false witnesses must be punished. What we DO NOT see in this verse, is the accusation being passed along to everyone…the way it often happens today, on the internet. The internet can make you anonymous in accusing... 1 Tim 5:19 “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.” There must be physical witnesses who saw or heard the thing.
As with any slander, remember these verses: Prov 11:13 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Keep slander concealed. Prov 20:19 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a gossip. (literally, “one who opens his lips.”) Don’t associate with a malicious gossip—person, blogs, or website. Prov 17:14 “An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.” Even listening to slander is evil. If you have no reason to suspect a person of wrongdoing, don’t. Remember, we should consider people to be innocent until they can be shown to be guilty: love believes the best. The internet is harming a lot of Christians in this way: Prov 17:4 (“An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.”)
1 Peter 3:10 “For Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.”
We can pray to the one who made the stars…and can we believe we can pray to Him and he hears us?
Women all around the world tuning in to hear, one listening in at 3 a.m. in
Learn how to love your husbands and children is her goal to help us. Thanking her husband, sons, daughters for all their help with this presentation and the taking care of the home so she’s available for this discussion.
Sarah, the good (and only one listed) example given for submission is in 1 Peter 3:1-6.
1 Peter 3:1-6 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear--but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
Sarah is praised by God for doing what was right. We are her daughters if WE do what’s right. Let’s look at her example of submission without being afraid, going back to Genesis.
Her husband left his home in
Genesis 12:11-13 “When (Abraham) was about to enter
Abram had no choice to stop Pharaoh from taking Sarah. Pharaoh’s word was law so he could do whatever he wanted, take whatever woman whenever. This was how Pharaoh was and it was a known fact. Abram wasn’t paranoid at all by asking Sarah to do what he requested.
Genesis 12:14-20 “When Abram entered
Abram then repeated in Gen 20 the same plan with Abimelech! We are never told what God thinks in these passages about Abram, but the commentators certainly disagree on Abram’s ethics. But this is the certainty: Sarai was in a difficult, scary position. Abram appears to sell her for material gain but all resistance WAS impossible. If Abram were killed her situation with Pharaoh would have been far worse. On top of it, how would Abram have the descendants God promised him if he was killed?
Won without a word… 1 Peter 3:1-6 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear--but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their
own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
Unpopular, controversial subject submission is. It makes feminists mad and even among Christians it’s an unpopular subject full of excuses and exceptions to what the Bible says. Is there such a thing as virtuous Christian feminism?
It is scary to do someone else’s will and getting told what to do, not being able to do what you want. Her childhood example: Brush teeth and go to bed. Didn’t have a problem with brushing teeth, but the being told what to do part…that’s where the problem lay. She was being defiant, wanted to be her own god. Submission is hard. But the fact of the matter is my/our opinion is not important, only God’s opinion. And it's quite clear from scripture that submission to our husbands is commanded by God. And not just in 1 Peter 3. (God also commends submission to your husband.)
Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
1 Timothy 2:11-12 “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.”
All these verses also talk about submission. It’s God’s will. Every woman I know struggles with submission. We are all feminists at heart. Go clear back to Eve: we just want to be independent. Not the way we were made but after fall, it’s in us.
There are many paradoxes in the Bible:
~the last shall be first... ~the greatest of all is the servant of all... ~if you lose your life, you will find your life, to name a few. And submission is another one of these paradoxical things.
Some people think submission implies weakness, doormat-ishness. Actually, the reverse is true: submission is hard and it takes great strength of character. It's not the weak women who submit
respectfully, it's the strong ones. In submission we find strength and favor with God.
Isaiah 30:15 “For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,
"In repentance and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
Psalm 33:18 “Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy.”
1Timothy 1:18-19 “…wage the good warfare, holding faith and a good conscience. By rejecting this, some have made shipwreck of their faith”
Knowing we have obeyed, we have a clear conscience. Letting someone else in control makes it seem we have no influence over anything. Submission gives us great influence with our husbands. It's our best hope to win our husbands when they are in error. Your motive is not manipulation of Him but obedience to God. You obey regardless of husband’s response.
These two things will help us submit: 1. taking every thought captive to Christ's submission and obedience to His father's will. 2. realizing that our hope is in God to bring His will to pass and make all things work together for good for us.
Our hope is not in our husbands. Even the most mature and godly husbands will make mistakes...but our God is sovereign and will never fail us.
Question: But don't we have a duty to reprove our husbands when they are wrong?
ESV reads “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct”, but KJV says it very differently in 1 Peter 3:1-2: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.” What’s up? The word used in King James’ time, conversation, has changed. What the word means is conduct (not conversation-talk), but as can be seen in the same word in the Greek in Gal 1:13—it’s not our talk but our actions. Greek-English Interlinear clarifies this, reading: “Likewise, wives, submitting yourselves to your own husbands, in order that even if any disobey the word, through their wives' conduct, without a word, they may be gained, observing the, in fear, pure conduct of you."
Question: So do we get to tell our husbands when we think that they are being disobedient? Or not?
We don’t get to tell them exactly what we’re thinking. Scripture is very clear: we must have an attitude of respect ALWAYS, no telling him off, or using other ‘without a word’ ways like exhibiting a disgusted silence or slamming the door or giving him a cold shoulder. We MUST maintain that chaste and respectful behavior.
Question: What does it mean "Even if any disobey the word...??”
1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives...”
This doesn’t mean it’s OK for believers to not submit. Whether believers or not, they might not obey. But this verse applies to both types of husband, believing or not. Submission applies to both.
Question: What if, in my family or church, I have been taught that wives should respectfully reprove their husbands?
Simple solution: if your husband’s a believer, ask your husband what he thinks of verse, how he wants it played out, then simply do it!
Here are some examples of speaking respectfully in difficult situations:
Abigail saying to David, “evil hath not been found in thee all thy days.” (1 Samuel 25:28) In effect,
Abigail is saying, and very respectfully, “You are such a godly man, this is beneath you.”
Abram to God in Genesis 18:25, “Far be it from you to do such a thing, to put the righteous to death with the wicked, so that the righteous fare as the wicked!” Far be it from you!
Here’s an appeal to a misguided husband: Esther respectfully, not reproachfully approached her husband, the King.
Go back to Scripture. If he doesn’t believe, then win without a word. A Christian husband may need to be reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness; he may need his wife's encouragement in believing God. This is always appropriate, provided it is done with love and respect. This is how you can help him.
Isaiah 35:3-4 “Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you."
1Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…”
Winning without a word: Submission has the potential to win to repentance without a word by your conduct. I've heard women say, many times, "I tried being submissive; I tried winning my husband without a word, but it just didn't work…So I gave up on that." Even if he doesn't repent…even if you don't win him… you are not excused from being subject to your husband.
Submission to and respect for your husband are required by God except in very few situations: When he wants you to do something contrary to God’s law. He is harming you and/or the kid(s) physically. Seek counsel from someone who knows the situation.
Question: So is it a guaranteed thing, that I can win my husband without a word?
No guarantee that your behavior will win him but you are required to submit because it’s the right thing to do. You are required to submit even if he isn't won by your chaste conduct. Because it is the right thing to do, what God says to do.
1 Peter 3:12-14 “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed…
1 Peter 2:20-21 “...but when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.”
We’ve lost our calling to suffer like Christ did. We’ve learned to expect everything to be perfect, like we deserve it, perfect health, etc., but this is not real life!
1Peter 4:12-13 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”
Suffering for doing what is right USED to be an expected part of life, but it’s not so now.
Question: I'm a woman with a mind of my own; is there any way to make submission easier?
Yes. Get on board with your husband's vision right at the beginning. This is really at the heart of submission... you submit your will and your vision to your husband's will and vision. Sarah obeyed Abraham…
Example: He wants to have a Bible family time in the morning but you are NOT a morning person and you like your routine. You have 2 choices: 1). Do nothing. He says get the kids up earlier…days later he gets cross because he’s having to get them up to do this and then you get irritated because he’s cross. And now because you didn’t submit willingly, he starts commanding you and now you’re being made to do it, so it is unpleasant because you chose in the first place not to submit…Because you did not submit willingly, you are now in the position of having to obey. You hate this because you don't like being told what to do. You are now in the position of a child, reduced to obeying orders which are against your will. But, you put yourself in this position… because you did not submit, and did not cooperate with your husband.
2). OK, you don’t want to do this, but in obedience to Scripture you submit. So now you start thinking…how do I make it work? Submit your will to his will so guess what? This time, you are not in the position of having things done to you, against your will...you have submitted your will to your husband's will...and you are in the driver's seat WITH your husband See how it works? This is what submission should look like: You are on board with your husband, not resisting or arguing, and being defiant—this is just kicking against the goads, which, in addition to being sin, makes everything more unpleasant and difficult for both of you. Adapt to his schedule and you will find you like it. I know this for a fact. There were things I didn’t want to do yet when I submitted I later saw how it did work out to my good.
Question: How can I make my husband lead? This is a completely unbiblical question. You encourage your husband to lead by following his leadership, even if he is not going in the most spiritual direction.
Question: So what can I do about it if my husband is not going in the best direction, spiritually?
This is another situation calling for chaste and respectful behavior, even if your husband is not, technically, disobedient to the word. (In fact every situation of your life calls for chaste and respectful behavior.) Many of these wives think they are more superior but I’ve seen many that were just arrogant and self-righteous. Sometimes maybe a wife wanted to home school or attend a family-integrated church or just get rid of tunnel vision, so she would ask how to get her husband on board with her. The husband is not technically disobedient to the word, so... Respectfully you can ask him about these things, but don’t try to make him lead in a certain direction. When a wife tries to make her husband lead in a certain direction, she is actually working at cross purposes with herself, if she is taking leadership, she is hindering his leadership... Doing so, you can tear your own house down. And saying, “Of course I’m leading, he doesn’t know how to...” Well, the Bible says he is the leader, even if he leads badly. A domineering wife can make a bad situation even worse and can destroy God’s created order and not to mention her home.
1 Peter 3:1 still holds true whether in a bad or good situation. Chaste and respectful behavior is not only RIGHT, in and of itself, it is also the way to win your husband's love and trust, and encourage him to be godly, himself.
We know God was able to create the heavens and the earth with a word, but sometimes we doubt that He can change our husbands’ hearts!
James 5:16 “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” And James 4:2 “yet ye have not, because ye ask not.”
Abram believed God and it was credited to him for righteousness. Sarah, when Abraham told her God’s promise to him about their many descendants, had what seemed like a good idea... Sarah saw her problem—she was barren all those years--so how could there be descendants? “Hagar” a common situation for an heir in the
but apparently she didn't believe God to be able to bring it about without her help. So she took matters into her own hands and persuaded Abraham to carry out her plan.
Adam listened to his wife also, and what happened? Genesis 3:17 “And to Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life”
These husbands got in trouble for listening to their wives instead of the Lord’s instruction. Now, what I'm NOT saying is that wives always lead their husbands astray, or that you should never make any suggestions to your husband. One of the ways we help our husbands is with our wise counsel. Just be careful because your words carry much weight with him!
Instead, pray fervently that God will give your husband wisdom, and pray that God will lead your husband…and through him, lead your family… into His perfect will. If he asks you your opinion, tell it to him, but also tell him that you want God's will to be done, not your will, and that he must do what he believes the Lord is leading him to do.
Rebekah knew Jacob would be God’s man, His chosen one.
Genesis 25:20-23 “and Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah, the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Paddan-aram, the sister of Laban the Aramean, to be his wife. And Isaac prayed to the LORD for his wife, because she was barren. And the LORD granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived. The children struggled together within her, and she said, "If it is thus, why is this happening to me?" So she went to inquire of the LORD. And the LORD said to her, "Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you shall be divided; the one shall be stronger than the other, the older shall serve the younger."
Esau loved by Isaac yet Jacob was loved by Rebekah.
Genesis 25:27-28 “When the boys grew up, Esau was a skillful hunter, a man of the field, while Jacob was a quiet man, dwelling in tents. Isaac loved Esau because he ate of his game, but Rebekah loved Jacob.”
We know what God thought of Esau: Hebrews 12:16 “Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.” Mal 1:2-3 "…. I have loved Jacob but Esau I have hated.”
Rebekah knew God’s mind…she knew which one was going to be God’s man. Here’s the drama: the blessing’s about to go to Esau which she knows is not God’s plan in Genesis 27. Rebekah knows Jacob is to inherit so she makes plans and… Jacob was fooled, yes, but at terrible cost to both Rebekah and Jacob. Esau plans to kill Jacob, so Jacob has to flee to
Genesis 27:43-45 “Now therefore, my son, obey my voice. Arise, flee to Laban my brother in Haran and stay with him a while, until your brother's fury turns away--until your brother's anger turns
away from you, and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will send and bring you from there.”
Jacob goes so fast and serves 7 yrs for Rachel (instead of the normal 3 years since he had no backup, men, money, etc., so Laban takes advantage of him: he gets Leah instead! It’s because he arrived empty-handed and desperate, running for his life, so the consequences…) Rebeka lost Jac for 20 years—not a little while. We never hear any more of Rebeka after this but we do know she was stuck with Esau and his awful Canaanite wives for the rest of her life. We also are never told of her death and burial—not commendable. Yet her nurse’s death and burial ARE recorded.
Rebekah knew God’s plan, but apparently…she didn’t think He was able to bring it about without her help! Most of us have taken matters into our own hands, instead of: praying fervently, loving our husbands, behaving chastely and respectfully, and waiting on God to bring about our deliverance.
Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
Psalm 40:17 “As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!”
Psalm 70:5 “But I am poor and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay!”
Psalm 144:2 “He is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me.”
You know, unless we have difficult things to be delivered from, we wouldn’t need a deliverer… We need to trust God.
James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Find REST in the house of your husbands!
