Q: Do you think that older daughters are to remain in the home until they marry? Where do you see the biblical directive for that?
A: I’d like to ask: Where do you see that an unmarried daughter IS to leave home in Bible? Are there any examples of that? What you see in the Bible is that unmarried daughters DO stay home normally--except for one: Dinah. It’s not a good example. There is Esther, but she was taken forcefully from her home. You just don’t see unmarried daughters leaving home as the Biblical example. So, why should we deviate from the absolutely clear pattern in Scripture of daughters staying at home until marriage -without a biblical directive?
Q: I really like Facebook. It has been a great way to find old friends and communicate with people. Do you think that spending time on Facebook is the same thing as being an idle busybody?
A: How do you use it? Like so many things, consider it a tool to use for good…or harm. Facebook can be used to make disciples, encourage people, used for good purposes, or… it can be a snare for some, addictive. It depends on how you use it. If you need guidance, ask your husband what he thinks about your use of it.
Q: I wondered what your thoughts are on the subject of men being kind nurturing fathers. It seems most women want their husbands to be this kind of “dad”: one who takes his daughter on daddy-daughter dates, uses endearing terms like “princess”, hugs them, tells them how wonderful they are, goes on walks together, just to talk. It seems like this is rare! Men just don’t seem to be built this way, and this can cause contention when the wife is pushing this, and they are resisting…and it never results in a building time with father-child. I wonder how much of this image is right, or realistic, and how much has been created by our current culture and is damaging? Do you see examples of fathers doing things like these in scripture?
A: In Scripture: are fathers Scripturally to take on father-daughter things? Well, they are instructed to protect, provide, and teach them to fear the Word. Respect your husband to be who Lord wants Him to be—not what others think he should be like. If he wants to do ‘those things’ like you’ve mentioned, OK, but let it be his decision. Scripture has not provided any concrete formulas for how to be the ideal father. Think: Should daughters be the focus of his attention or…should you, the mother have your daughter focus her attention on her dad? This is more normal: for her to have a relationship with her Dad. Mothers should encourage their daughters to do things with their fathers: hanging around with her dad would certainly give a daughter a better picture of normal life, and her role in it, and of her father’s life.
It is a contemporary culture thing: the daughter as a princess. “Daddy’s little princess” role playing, on the part of a father, is a poor excuse for nurturing. This is a self-absorbed notion: your Dad’s little princess, you’re special, you need to feel good about yourself… Our children need to be raised to see
themselves as servants of one another, and servants of the living God, and should be taught that life is a battle ground, and not a playground. Princesses culturally, when I studied this historically… Historically, a princess was just about the last thing you would want to be. Princesses were the property of the state, and were used as pawns. The bad ones grew up thinking their position as royalty entitled them to be selfish. The good princesses grew up understanding that they existed for the good of their subjects…and that they ruled by the consent of their subjects. They knew they did not belong to themselves.
Q: My husband is making me work outside the home, when I believe my most important job is at home in raising my 3 little children, and it breaks my heart to leave them every day. How can I make my husband see this wisdom, or is there nothing I can do except pray for God to change his heart? This has been going on for 5 years now. I submit to his authority, when he tells me that I have to work and help him in this way, but I just don’t know. Is my heart mistaken?
A: What you can do is pray God changes his heart. Statistics show that a wife working outside the home… after subtracting the costs of childcare, the wife’s work wardrobe, a second car and gas and insurance for it and higher taxes, etc., the wife’s work often doesn’t really bring in enough income to make it worthwhile. Your standard of living…real, biblical living…would be much higher if you were living in a small house with only one car, but were able to stay at home with your children. (Deuteronomy 6 says…) Clear pattern is to be…obedient to the Word. It involves sacrifices to be obedient to the Word but the rewards are great. You can suggest this if he’s willing to talk. Tell him you are will to make the sacrifices—but remember to be respectful and submissive.
Q: How would you handle visits with family who are not believers? In fact they are avid God haters with children who are defiled. Do you not visit at all? Or do you visit and attempt to keep our children from being defiled?
A: If relatives…well, you have a greater responsibility to your kids than your natural family. There are other things you can do, like call them, or write them. You can still show love---do it in ways that don’t involve direct contact if they show no signs of repentance. Entertain unbelieving family, neighbors, and acquaintances who you are trying to reach out to, at your own house...if they give you reason to believe they may come to Lord. Being on your own territory is a huge plus. At your house you can control your visitors’ behavior and what happens in house. All visitors must obey the rules of the house, the same as your family do. You can feel perfectly free to kindly correct another person’s child, in your own home, if his parent is not doing it--but be gracious kind, friendly, not mad or bent out of shape. Be extremely hospitable so they can’t be offended by any ‘correcting’ of behavior…
Q: I home school my children and am with them for the entire day, but I am quite unsure of how much free time to allow them… the amount of time they should be spending by themselves playing outside, reading alone, playing with friends… My children seem to fight me on not wanting to work with me around the house and do things together. They want to do whatever they want to do. I want for us to enjoy our time together, regardless of whether we are folding laundry or reading a book or doing schoolwork. Am I doing something wrong or is this normal? I want them to use their time productively although I know that free time to play and explore is also important. What types of things do you feel are productive and acceptable for free time. Are there subtle ways to win their hearts and draw them into doing things together joyfully?
A: What do you think is productive? Are your hearts together in these things? Discipling, having friends, free time, productive time: these are great questions, like four in one, so let’s talk about this specially in a few weeks…so we can get to the main topic of tonight’s discussion:
We were created to help husbands…obey the commands of Scripture. Tonight we’re going to talk about how we can help our husbands to love…us. It’s a loving and wise and smart thing, to help your husband love you…by being someone who is easy to love.
The idea that I’ll respect him if he…well, there’s no conditions in the Bible attached to our duty to respect him. We are commanded to respect our husbands by God. As also there are no conditions attached to the command to him to love us.
So…how can you make yourself lovable to help him love you? There are many ways. For example, your looks, such as your hair, make-up, jewelry; we’ll discuss this aspect next week. Or your speech, your voice, how you say things. A very important one is your personality, which we’ll discuss tonight.
Personality or the kind of person you are is due to your outlook on life. Here’s an example of what I mean by your personality and how it affects your marriage:
A woman came to me seeking counsel, but it just seemed she was seeking to get me to commiserate with her. Her husband was a doctor, and she was jealous of his time he spent at work, bitter he worked so much…and afraid he’d, well, run off with one of those pretty nurses he worked with. It seemed like a Greek tragedy tale. Her marriage is fine she said, she has a good marriage. However because of her worries and anxiety and jealousy, and her nagging and scolding and suspicious questioning…she just may make the thing she is afraid of happen. By her own personality…This is one of the ways we can tear down our house with our own hands: by being a person who is unpleasant to be around. She never had a reason to be alarmed by any of his behavior she said, but she still constantly worried. He was a doctor and those nurses helping him… Men do get attached to the women who are helpers to them. But she needs to just believe in him. Take action to keep his heart. It’s a very loving thing for a wife to help her husband resist the temptations of other women by being loving and lovable herself. She wasn’t competing with the nurses by complaining at him all the time when he came home, but one way to ‘compete’ with them is when he is home, she should be warm and welcoming to him—waiting at the door with outstretched arms. She should be a ready listener. If he wants to talk about work when he gets home, fine, listen. She should not meet him at the door with complaints about the children’s misbehavior, or complaints about how he’s never home, but with loving kind words, with affection, and with physical comforts…make him feel loved by her. In short, she has to be more attractive than the nurses. The young nurses’ admiration, respect, support and sympathy are their biggest attraction to him, not their outward appearance. Show him you appreciate all his hard work—for you. She CAN outdo the nurses by her respect and support for her husband so SHE is the person he wants most to be around. A person who is obedient to Scripture and full of faith, love, hope and joy…is going to be easy to love.
So what are some of the other qualities in women that men appreciate?
One of the qualities men like in women is respect. Respect. We are commanded to give it. Whereas love is our vulnerable spot, men’s is that they need respect. Eph 5:33—“…let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.” See to it--I say it and I mean business—disrespect and scorn can ruin a man for service. Even if he’s NOT a Christian. We have a lot of leverage to either build him up or tear down. A man’s need for respect makes him vulnerable. Here’s a story from the Bible:
2 Samuel 6:14-23 “And David danced before the LORD with all his might. And David was wearing a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting and with the sound of the horn. As the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, and she despised him in her heart…Then all the people departed, each to his house. And David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' female servants, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!" And David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over
Israel, the people of the LORD--and I will make merry before the LORD. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes. But by the female servants of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.” We see here David dancing before the Lord, but Michal sees him and despises him. David returns to bless his house, but Michal scornfully greets him. Michal despised her husband and openly expressed her scorn: God punished her with barrenness and you never hear of her having any children whether by David and her other husband. David points out the servants WOULD honor him. Do you act this way (—even if he is acting disrespectful is no excuse)? It’s God’s decree he is over us! Or…Do you ever despise your husband…just in your heart? Remember, it’s God you are disobeying, and it’s HIS instruction you are despising, if you let yourself despise your husband in your heart. HE has told us to respect the husband that he has placed over us.
Q: I hear all the time respect and support your husband but in application I am struggling. I was not raised to do this for any authority. So what would you recommend how to find out how to do this?
A: We live in a culture of disrespect, where everything’s in your face, flippant, irreverent. Look at this story in the Bible:
1 Samuel 24:4-10 “And the men of David said to him, "Here is the day of which the LORD said to you, 'Behold, I will give your enemy into your hand, and you shall do to him as it shall seem good to you.'" Then David arose and stealthily cut off a corner of Saul's robe. And afterward David's heart struck him, because he had cut off a corner of Saul's robe. He said to his men, "The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD's anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD's anointed." So David persuaded his men with these words and did not permit them to attack Saul. And Saul rose up and left the cave and went on his way. Afterward David also arose and went out of the cave, and called after Saul, "My lord the king!" And when Saul looked behind him, David bowed with his face to the earth and paid homage. And David said to Saul, "Why do you listen to the words of men who say, 'Behold, David seeks your harm'? Behold, this day your eyes have seen how the LORD gave you today into my hand in the cave. And some told me to kill you, but I spared you. I said, 'I will not put out my hand against my lord, for he is the LORD's anointed.'” The principle is this: Saul was being evil, attempting to murder David…but because of Saul’s position of authority, not only did David refuse to kill him, but David paid him respect and gave him homage because he was God’s anointed. David didn’t submit to Saul’s attempt to physically abuse him but David still respected him. So with our husbands: God has told us to respect them.
Another example of respect is when Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord.
Look at the respectful example of Abigail toward David—1 Samuel 25:23-24 “When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from the donkey and fell before David on her face and bowed to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, "On me alone, my lord, be the guilt. Please let your servant speak in your ears, and hear the words of your servant….”Again and again we see in the Old Testament how full of respect it was. Falling down, bowing—now I’m not saying do this, but respect and reverence were a huge part of the Biblical culture. They are not part of ours today! Ask the Lord to help you learn what respect is as you read more of the Old Testament. Respect and honor all men throughout the Bible but not in today’s world. How we respect God’s authority is shown by how we respect others. Every human creature is worthy of respect and honor, because we are all created by God… in His image. Your husband was created by God, and lives and moves and breathes by God’s design. He belongs to God--obedient or not--and he is God’s creature, so he deserves respect for that. In God’s chain of command, he has been put over you, so respect him.
So, how can we show respect? Do ordinary polite things to him, such as greeting when he comes home or gets up in the morning… 1 Timothy 2:11 “Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness.” Don’t despise him in your heart or grumble against him—or let your kids disrespect their father but teach them to serve him. You are trying to restructure your thinking around making him happy, making him comfortable, making his life easier. I know some listening are going to be rolling their eyes, or gnashing their teeth at this, but it is what the Bible says. Think of someone you really respect, and then think of how you would act, and treat that person, if he or she came to your home—and then do it for your husband. It’s not totally weird to think that way of your husband though the culture deems it so. We’ve been discipled by the world, not by the Word of God. (So we need our minds renewed.)
What else do men like, besides respect? Men like gratitude, such as for all the hard work of providing for his family. Thank him for it. Find things about him you appreciate—and all husbands have things to appreciate—and tell him. Tell your husband the things about him that you like, little things, too. Like the way he laughs, reads the Bible to the kids, carries in the groceries, etc. We have a bad habit of taking him for granted. And be sure to thank God for your husband…that will help you learn to appreciate him. We’re like cups: if what’s in your heart is bitter, that will spill over; if we’re full of gratitude, then that is what will come out from us. You should overflow with gratitude to God for all his goodness to you!
Men like cheerfulness. If they see pictures of 2 women: one not smiling but prettily made-up and the other smiling…they are most interested in the smiling one. Phil 4:4 says, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.” And there are dozens of other places, many of them in psalms, where we are commanded to rejoice.
Here are some interesting verses to ponder. Deut 28:45-48 "All these curses shall come upon you and pursue you and overtake you till you are destroyed, because you did not obey the voice of the LORD your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes that he commanded you. They shall be a sign and a wonder against you and your offspring forever. Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things, therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the LORD will send against you, in hunger and thirst, in nakedness, and lacking everything. And he will put a yoke of iron on your neck until he has destroyed you.” They had abundance but did not serve the Lord with gladness for it. How can we say things are hard? We need to search the Scriptures for promises and believe God for them. Stand firm in the faith. Faith is not a static thing… it’s an active thing…it’s a thing we can work at. 2 Peter 1:5—“giving all diligence, add to your faith…” Sometimes it’s work to believe God, so work at it! When things are hard, and we are waiting to see our prayers answered…when we are waiting to see the deliverance of God…we have to work to believe. Like when David was at Ziklag, it was hard on him: 1 Samuel 30:6 “And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.” Just say no to doubts for we know that all things work together to good for those who love God. I refuse to feel sorry for myself…
Another thing that makes us attractive and lovable is praise. Psalm 33:1 “Sing for joy in the Lord, O you righteous ones, praise is becoming to the upright.” Praise is becoming; criticism unbecoming. Be quick to praise people…and one of the most becoming things is when you praise your husband. Praise is not flattery, not insincerity. Don’t make things up, but there are plenty of things to be thankful for!
Another thing that is attractive is enthusiasm. By enthusiasm, I mean wholeheartedness, doing things with your whole heart. Deut 4:29 “… you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.” 2 Chron 6:14 …"O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you, in heaven or on earth, keeping covenant and showing steadfast love to your servants who walk before you with all their heart…” Prov 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Col 3:23 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Contrast this with--Rev 3:16 “So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.” God wants whole-heartedness when we do things for Him. Our popular culture of boredom, who cares, what’s the big deal…well, the Lord’s servant should have zeal to pursue Him!
Another quality that makes us attractive is being sympathetic. 1 Peter 3:8 “…let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind hearted, humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.” Phil 2:1-2 “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” 1Thess 5:14 “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” We should sympathize with people who have difficulties.
The next thing that can make us loveable or unlovable is our voice, and our words. There are tons of verses supporting this. Prov 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Words are the most important things on earth, what words cause. Ours is a word-based faith. God made the world with a word. Psa 33:6-9 “By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their host. He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him! For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.” The power of God’s Word is amazing! Heb 1:3 “Who being the brightness of his glory, and the express image of his person, and upholding all things by the word of his power.” Jesus is described as the Word become flesh.
We will be call to give account for our words. James 3:2-10 “We all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”
There are dozens of passages in Proverbs about this aspect, such as:
Prov 15:4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life…
Prov 12:18 …the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Prov 25:15 With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.
Prov 10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many…
Prov 12:19 Truthful lips endure forever…
Prov 14:3 …the lips of the wise will preserve them.
Prov 15:7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge…
Prov 20:15 …the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel.
Finally, Eph 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” We are striving to be godly women and it’s clear how our words should be…words of life… we can be reproving but gently. We need to bathe our minds in THE Word. Also, what is our tone of voice? This is important, too. Reading aloud is extremely helpful for training your voice; since you are not having to think of what you are going to say, you can focus on how your voice sounds.
Another important way to be lovable is by our deeds what we do for our family, our service to them. You can be lovable by thoughtful things you might do for your husband. Do extra things for him…look for things he needs, do little things that make him feel loved. American women pamper their pets more than they pamper their husbands…and our divorce rates show it! If it makes you squirm to think of ‘pampering’ him…bitterness, pride, turning over a new leaf and having to change, these things can prevent this. You may be saying to yourself…but that’s just not ME! Well, just start doing it and then you ARE that way!
As Christians, we need always to be changing, always to be growing, as Paul said. As it says in John 3:30, “He must increase, but I must decrease." We need to be becoming a new person more and more…more loving, cheerful, in the faith, etc. We must decrease HE must increase, so die to yourself and obey Scripture!
2Co 13:11 “Finally…rejoice. Be made complete, comfort one another, be likeminded, live in peace; and may the God of love and peace be with you.”
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