Q: My husband says I am beautiful without any makeup, and he does not want me to set the example to our daughter that she needs makeup to be beautiful. How do I respond to this?
A: Give your husband a big fat kiss! But there are some occasions where wearing a little make-up is better than not wearing any. The best rule about wearing makeup is to try to make it invisible. Also, make sure your make-up is not offensive to others. This may vary by culture. Sometimes wearing make-up is a sign of being formally dressed. Your daughters may need to know how to wear it someday. But help them to learn to prefer their father’s preferences above the demands of their culture.
Q: I am a mother of five little boys. As a mother or five boys, yourself, do you have any suggestion on helping a little boy to improve his aim? I’m having a lot of trouble keeping the bathroom floor in a decent state. Should I just consider it a sanctification tool and get over it, or should I set them to work on the floor themselves?
A: I suggest throwing a piece of toilet paper in the toilet and telling them to aim. Let them mop floor and take responsibility for their mistakes.
Q: Mrs. Botkin, you mentioned in one of the previous sessions about purity rings. What is your stand on that and can you tell me the pros and cons of purity rings?
A: I don’t take a stand on this since the Bible doesn’t. One thing concerns me: the wife making her husband take a certain stand on this issue. If your husband wants to, fine. If a father thinks all he has to do to protect his daughter’s purity is to have a little ceremony and give her a ring, as a kind of talisman to protect her from her impure environment…this is a big problem. His responsibility for her goes much farther than this little ritual. The end result can be tragic. An outward custom won’t impart righteousness. We come to rely on our rituals, and they become a substitute for really, truly shepherding a daughter’s heart and emotions. It won’t impart real righteousness but becomes a replacement for it.
Pro 7:13-15 “(the harlot) seizes him and kisses him, and with bold face she says to him, "I had to offer sacrifices, and today I have paid my vows; so now I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.” The woman in these verses was religious! She just did her religious thing…and then went out to seduce a man. What we need to be imparting to our children is a purity that comes…through fear of the Lord…and a genuine desire to be consecrated and set apart for Him. Teach them to be proactive in setting themselves apart. And you be watchful of their companions, music, internet environment…it’s the parent’s job.
Q: Living in a major city of this nation, I am surrounded by Christian, Bible-believing ladies, some even homeschooling, who have embraced the world's system of dress so comprehensively that words like modesty and purity need to be redefined in a more lucid/definitive fashion to draw us back to what truly pleases our Lord and what is abhorrent to Him. With that in mind would you care to elaborate on a specific aspect of women’s' dressing, especially neck-lines, tight trousers and skirt-lengths, to clarify what it really looks like to be dressed modestly?
A: Remember from last week the two main biblical directives to us with regard to our clothing involve: 1. distinctiveness….being distinct from men, and 2. modesty, both in regard to covering nakedness and dressing appropriately.
Gen 3 shows God’s view vs. man’s for covering nakedness. Gen 3:7 “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” The Hebrew for “loincloths” means a garment tied around the waist. This is what Adam and Eve decided. But in Gen 3:21, we see God’s design for covering: “And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.” The Hebrew here means to cover or coat, roughly neck to knee. What’s the spirit of what He’s saying? How do people see us.
Men have a much higher level of sensitivity to women’s anatomy than women do. A tight tee shirt might cause a man to stumble. Do we want to make our brothers in Christ stumble? Job 31:1—“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” Job made a covenant with his eyes because he acknowledged this was a problem for him. We women may not be conscious of how female anatomy attracts male attention. But it does, so let me tell you!
Men are responsible, before the Lord, to do what is right, always…but it is not loving for us to dress in a way that is provocative. The body parts we most need to conceal are those parts which are most different from male anatomy. Our goal is to conceal or cover like God said. I’m not saying you have to wear baggy clothing. The female silhouette, which distinguishes a woman from a man, is not a bad thing…God does want us to be distinguishable from men. We need a balance: not ‘totally concealed’ yet not ‘totally accentuated’, as in baggy shapelessness vs. painted-on clothing. We should be distinguishable from men.
We should look at men as our brothers in Christ, not just potential marriage partners. Be considerate of men. Don’t take advantage of them by provoking them or distracting them simply because you have the power to do so with your body.
Rom 14:19-22 “Rom 14:19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.” Add what you wear to these verses.
Encourage your brothers in the faith; don’t undermine their faith. 1Ti 5:1-2 “… encourage [an older man]… as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” Let’s extrapolate from these verses and see all men as our brothers. So, how do you dress around your biological brothers? Provocatively? Of course not! As your biological brother is off limits romantically, so is your Christian brother, also.
We need to be aware of the weaknesses of our brothers in the Lord…and do what we can to help them there. The great King David, a man after God’s own heart, was attracted to an uncovered woman and stumbled. The great King Solomon was attracted to many women…who then led him astray. Both of these great men stumbled, so think of what it must be like for your Christian brother. So please, ladies, dress modestly…make sure your anatomical features which are most distinctively female…are covered. Think: Are you dressed appropriately…or to make your brother stumble? Destroy not him…for whom Christ died… (Rom 14:15)
Some good resources are: www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com on Femininity & Modesty and for the book, Modesty and the Christian Woman by Jennie Chancey, and Vision Forum for the book, Christian Modesty and the Public Undressing of America, by Jeff Pollard.
Q: Do you talk to men? At the supper table, do you talk? Or do you just sit and listen? Do you stay in the kitchen?
A: Yes. Of course! I talk to my biological brothers and also to my brothers in the Lord. Some basic Scriptural guidelines are, well, Jesus talked to women, as did Paul. It would be very strange if we as brothers and sisters didn’t talk to each other. For example, we entertain a lot in our home, so I often have to visit with male guests who come to visit my husband Geoff when he is not available to talk with them right away at home. Just don’t be the one directing the conversation.
If you’re a talker, be careful you don’t take the conversation and run with it and talk circles around your husband if he’s the quieter one. Some men have to struggle to form their ideas into words…but for us women, it’s more often a struggle to keep quiet! And women should learn to keep quiet! Look at these verses. Prov 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Prov 21:23 “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” If your husband’s not a talker, you will hinder his wanting to talk by filling up the space with your constant conversation…
Q: My husband and I have 3 children and only in the last 5 years or so have come around to letting the Lord plan the size of our family. With 3 children we are already thought of as a 'large' family within our extended family. We had a daughter in 2007 who didn't have functioning kidneys. We were told she would die after birth, which she did. We were crushed. But we saw God's sovereignty in a new way and trusted Him in all things. We believed it was His plan. We continued trusting Him with our future children. We prayed as a family for another baby. He answered by sending us Samuel. Samuel had Trisomy 13 and was stillborn this last October. This was very hard…My husband is 39, I am 42. The world says we’re too old to have more. But if my body still is showing signs of fertility… We want more kids, but if we have another baby with a birth defect… What should we do?
A: God is sovereign over all, and has supreme control over every detail of our lives. Your faith and obedience is important here. Like Esther said, “If I perish, I perish.” She was content to let God control whether she lived or died. Job 13:15—“Though He slay me, I will hope in Him…” It is clear that you have submitted your womb, your life, and your future children to the Lord’s supreme control. You are an example of faith.
Q: If my husband, the children, and I are all together and the children are disobeying, do I have the authority to correct my children if my husband ignores their disobedience? Or should I encourage him to correct them?
A: He should be correcting them. However, most husbands aren’t as tuned into the kids as their moms are. He can delegate the correction to you. If he’s ignoring Scripture’s command, you should discipline. Don’t scold or chide your husband, or be bitter. Calmly correct like the children like you should. Just do what is right before the Lord, yourself, and let the Lord work on your
husband. It’s not your job to correct him.
Q: Did you plan at the beginning of the "year" what topics/goals you wished to cover with your children?
A: Home school for us was year-round…It’s public school baggage that you have to ‘start’ in September. I think it’s really important to try to communicate to older children that this is THEIR education…it’s not something we are trying to do TO them…it’s something we are trying to help them do…so that they can be prepared for their future. We are helping them with their weaknesses and strengths. Help facilitate learning what they want to learn as they get older, like buying materials for them, taking them to the library... I would ‘plan’, but…I must admit, our school year usually didn’t end up the way I planned… Flexibility is important for you, and also something the kids need to learn.
Q: Since you have raised five boys, would you comment on how a home schooling mother can help her son move through puberty and into manhood? I realize he cannot remain "Mommy's little boy", but I do not know, practically, what goals I should have or benchmarks he should pass. There is more written about the father/son relationship, I think, than about a mother's "letting go".
A: One weakness inherent in the home school movement of today is that as some boys grow up at home with mommy, they never really have manhood modeled for them. Girls seem to turn out OK, but boys…when Dad’s away all day… maybe you could start a family business. If Dad can’t be a role model, some other godly male role models must be provided. Parents don’t have to be the exclusive mentor; it’s just that we want wise companions. Prov 13:20 ”Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Don’t have one? Then pray. God is our deliverer. He receives glory by our deliverance. James 5:16 “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
You know, some questions I just can’t answer, so my only advice is: Pray. We are so used to instant gratification, having things right now, no waiting. Do we have enough patience and perseverance to pray until we see our prayer answered? George Washington was known for praying 2 hours each day…but then his circumstances got much harder. He realized he didn’t have time for 2 hours of prayer because of all he was going through, so he extended it to 3!
If you don’t have, then ask in that ‘hopeless situation.’ Pray fervently, hopefully, long. Matt 7:7-11 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
Regarding the need to ‘let go’... Face it, little boys are lovable. She didn’t want her sons to grow apart from her and closer to father. She forgot her fear of this. She was worried that as her sons grew up, they would outgrow her…She is still close—not in a mommy/little boy way but as adults. My grown sons seem to enjoy taking care of me now…and I love it! We are closer than ever! Yes it’s different. Prov 4:18 “But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” I’m seeing my relationships with my kids growing brighter and brighter!
Q: I have a 12 year old daughter who seems to be having a difficult time with the use of the English language. It is not that she is lazy. Hard work is not something of which she is afraid, as long as it is physical. Intellectual hard work is another matter. She frequently can't remember the word she needs to communicate what she wants to say…She tests well in standardized tests but then seems to forget half of what she has learned. Her elder sister is quite fluent in language and while I know each child is different, I wonder what I am doing wrong.
A: Stop worrying, as each child is different with different strengths and weaknesses. One of her sons was horrible to do school with, wouldn’t pay attention and sit still. Another noticed everything. I knew that if my “problem” sons were in public school their teachers would label them hyperactive, and label them with Attention Deficit Disorder…and put them on Ritalin… in a heartbeat! They didn’t have a disorder at all…they had a gift! A gift from the Lord! In a different time and place, they would have been perfectly normal, like in Bible days watching the sheep or Pioneer times… Other of her kids would have been terrible watchmen…so instead, did they have a ‘disorder?’
It’s really just outrageous that some of our children, whom God has gifted with skills and talents that He wanted to bless them with and which please Him, are considered by schoolteachers to have a disorder. It is a terrible national tragedy that so many boys and girls are having their lives ruined…by being drugged with Ritalin for years and years…and by being labeled as having a disorder…and it’s all really just for the convenience of the teachers. It’s for classroom management! Sitting 6 hours still a day is NOT normal.
Your daughter is young, it may be that she’s a late bloomer. Or maybe she’s not meant to be bookish. Encourage her to read things she’s interested in. Be sensitive to her. Adolescence changes a lot of things with kids. Let her know you are for her and are with her.
Q: We bought your CDs a little while back & have listened several times. God is drawing us to make some changes in how we educate our children. I'm tired of trying to do all the curriculum & tired of feeling guilty because I never complete all of the curriculum! As we have let the curriculum go for history & science & moved towards reading aloud & nature studies, we are loving it! It feels different because we didn't learn this way but, actually, we didn't learn the public school way either! I do have this question for you: did you schedule your day? Specifically, did you do the math early in the day &
what did you do with your young ones while you worked with the children needing help? Did you read & write while the littles napped?
A: I have 2 CD’s available with favorite tips… Curriculum Advice Volumes 1 and 2, available at www.WesternConservatory.com
Our schedule changed all the time…depending on the ages of the toddlers…and the level of independence of the school-aged ones. She likes to start with math. As soon as the child is old enough, she lets them grade their own work and re-do the mistakes right away. Waiting until tomorrow to fix them…then the kids lose interest. I wasn’t much of a schedule-type. With my husband working at home, it usually didn’t work for me to be too tied to my own schedule. Warning: It won’t be easy if your husband’s home and you’re used to having your own schedule--it can be frustrating when you have your school day planned out, but your husband wants to do otherwise with the kids.
Q: I loved your talking about teaching your children. I have your curriculum series, and you just have a way of making it sound so fun! But I had a question. I've only been pregnant twice so far, but that 2nd time I was wiped out. I could barely keep my eyes open. How did you go with the flow of what your children were interested in while you were pregnant? I'm a little afraid that if I have to do a lot of lesson planning and book gathering, I might not do it during those times. I don't want them to suffer. I've heard some say textbooks are nice for this time, because you can just hand it to them, but, outside of liking that idea, it sounds boring. So…how did you effectively teach and plan when you were pregnant or had a newborn?
A: My best advice is to do school every day that you can, all year round…and don’t worry about the days when you can’t. Summer is actually a good time to ‘do school’ since it’s usually too hot to go outside! Teach your kids to like to do things to educate themselves. If you have to, do it, but I don’t make lesson plans ahead of time but only after you did something so you just record what was actually done. I kept a journal of our schoolwork. I had each child keep a list of all the books read.
Q: How did you teach your children to teach themselves?
A: We keep lots of educational books and games around—don’t let them sit around and watch TV all day… Briefly—don’t do too much of your child’s schooling for him. Teach him to learn to love learning and reading. Get them interested in learning about things, by showing your interest in things. Avoid, or strictly limit, passive entertainment. Children, and adults, quickly become dependent on passive entertainment. Stock your house with interesting things to do—have art supplies, legos, video maker, tools, rather than play passively things—turn them loose to do things. Let them teach you out of your ‘classroom’! Don’t just feed them facts to memorize. As they get older and develop their own interests, we parents function more as facilitators than as teachers. Pursue real education using the Deut 6 model.
Q: I am a single 24 year old woman living at home with my father. My father is also the pastor of our church. Our church is very involved and infiltrated by the modern day youth culture, our church participates in all the denomination’s youth conventions, camps, etc. We have our own youth group and teen center. I am expected to participate and help in all these events and chaperone, to teach children’s church… I do all these things to help my father, but I must admit that it breaks my heart…
A: Serve your father…and pray desperately for a husband to help with the situation. Challenge the kids to think Biblically. Pray for the culture of the church around the world. Pray to be the wife of a reformer.
Q: My mother wants to move into our home this summer and she likes to watch TV. We do not watch TV in our home. How is this viewed in the Bible? Should we allow TV viewing in her room only or not at all? How do you handle a situation like this?
A: We are to honor parents by caring for them when they are older. But the jurisdiction of your home is governed by your husband, even if your parents are there. If husband says no TV…well, someone discipled by American TV is not a good influence on your home. You have no obligation to indulge her preference if she has to have her TV. Some parents would actually prefer living in a pagan institution to a Christian home. If Grandma comes, gently and lovingly enforce your husband’s decision.
Q: We have been watching our married son’s 2 year old daughter 5 days a week since she was 3 months old. We also home school our 9 and 14 year old boys, which has turned into a 3 hour school day while the baby naps. They are expecting their second baby in April. We were asked to watch both babies 3 days a week. The other grandma would help watch the baby on the other days. But I am struggling with both homeschooling and watching the babies. Where do you draw line? My son’s home is not a Christian home, but I want to be a godly influence on these children while I can.
A: If you were helping your older son so that he could get out of debt and get back on his feet again; creating a Christian home where his wife could stay home and raise the children, I would say, help him. But you didn’t say your son has any intention of changing his life. Your influence on those babies is minimal now, especially if he plans to just send them on to public school as soon as possible. Your real problem isn’t that you are too busy homeschooling your 9 and 14 year olds. The real point is, will your investment into your grandchildren really bear any fruit? Are you actually influencing your son and his wife for good or are they just using you for free babysitting? Your first priority is to your younger sons. Debt compromises the foundation of a Christian home. Debt is a kind of slavery…To keep from losing your house, and all the money you have invested in it, you may be tempted to delegate the raising of children to strangers, like at daycare, so both husband and wife can work… When you are in debt you no longer have the flexibility to make decisions based on what you know is right…you are over a barrel.
Short Session tonight: Let’s talk some more about words.
Prov 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” There is a potential of problems with internet. 1 Tim 5:13-14 “They learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” This is an interesting thing about the internet—it enables one to go house to house without leaving the house! It’s perfectly natural and right to let people know about blessings of God, like talking on Facebook. (Victoria doesn’t have a FB account.) Relationships are very important to us…we are nurturing and motherly by nature…and sympathetic…and curious…and restless…and that’s a dangerous combination, if we have too much free time and no accountability to anyone.
What’s gossip: friendly chitchat or something else? Look at those verses in Timothy again: Paul calls gossips busybodies who say what they shouldn’t.
Prov 18:7-8 “A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.” Delicious words are, well, hard to resist.
2 Cor 12:20 “For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.” Look at gossip’s companions in this verse.
Rom1:28-31 “And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.” Gossip is what haters of God do…
Talking about and with friends in a loving way like on Facebook is OK, but be careful not to neglect your house and children… Gossip is not this friendly, chatty stuff, but the Bible links slander to it. Ps 15:1-3 “O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart; who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend.” Gossip is doing evil to a neighbor.
Mt 15:18-20 “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.” Slander is associated with murder plus other evil acts!
Eph 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Col 3:8 “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” Slander is forbidden by God.
What should you do about it? It is a very serious thing to slander someone. Deut 19:16-19 “If a malicious witness arises to accuse a person of wrongdoing, then both parties to the dispute shall appear before the LORD, before the priests and the judges who are in office in those days. The judges shall inquire diligently, and if the witness is a false witness and has accused his brother falsely, then you shall do to him as he had meant to do to his brother. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.” Slander is the malicious bringing of an accusation of wrongdoing against someone. The truth must be established—false witnesses must be punished. What we DO NOT see in this verse, is the accusation being passed along to everyone…the way it often happens today, on the internet. The internet can make you anonymous in accusing... 1 Tim 5:19 “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.” There must be physical witnesses who saw or heard the thing.
As with any slander, remember these verses: Prov 11:13 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Keep slander concealed. Prov 20:19 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a gossip. (literally, “one who opens his lips.”) Don’t associate with a malicious gossip—person, blogs, or website. Prov 17:14 “An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.” Even listening to slander is evil. If you have no reason to suspect a person of wrongdoing, don’t. Remember, we should consider people to be innocent until they can be shown to be guilty: love believes the best. The internet is harming a lot of Christians in this way: Prov 17:4 (“An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a destructive tongue.”)
1 Peter 3:10 “For Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.”
